Renowned marmot meteorologist Jimmy the Groundhog from Sun Prairie, WI. [Jimmy is the one not wearing glasses, by the way. ;-) ]
April, come she will...
April, come she will...
I now elect to "imp" The Times posthaste, which published a single April Fool's Day "bogus" news story, as opposed to The Star in Sun Prairie. We had three fake news stories on April 1, 1999, encompassing the entire front page!
Mine dealt with an alleged plot to murder local celeb Jimmy the Groundhog, Sun Prairie's weather-predicting rival to Punxsutawney Phil. The lame sports editor wrote an article that said Ashley Field, the local HS football venue, was being Astro-turfed. The managing editor's contribution warned that the local public library was about to fall into a sinkhole and would soon be the first subterranean library in Dane County. LOL
Here is my little gem, which ran complete with photos of Jimmy and Phil:
(NOTE: All quotes from The Punxsutawney Spirit are real. LOL I sent away for a copy of that issue of the paper.)
FBI Investigates Phil 'hit' on Jimmy
by Merry P. Rankster
Special to The Star
The New York Herald reported today that the FBI has confirmed it is investigating well-known groundhog underworld kingpin Punxsutawney Phil, the so-called "Seer of Seers," whose feeble attempts at predicting the weather have been the source of so much amusement to Sun Prairians.
However, Sun Prairie residents may not be so amused to learn that Phil has allegedly placed a $250,000 contract on their beloved Jimmy's life. A rare Sicilian groundhog, Feckless Phil (aka "Phil the Shill") has long been suspected of having ties to organized crime, but this was the first instance in which actual evidence was obtained against the 22-year-old marmot.
His youngest brother White Plains Will (known in mob circles as "Will the Pill") was brought in for questioning Tuesday at New York's 12th Precinct. "We have the hairy brute in a holding habitat and we're confident he's going to crack," said Capt. Barney Miller. "We're pretty sure Will will finger his brother as the one who put the hit out on Jimmy."
The longstanding rivalry between Punxsutawney Phil and Jimmy apparently took an ugly turn when the latter was featured on the cover of GQ: The Groundhog Quarterly as "Woodchuck of the Year". At that time, Phil became suicidal and began experiencing recurring bouts of tunnel vision.
"Phil has always been extremely insecure," observed a large brown Pennsylvania Dutch badger who wished to remain anonymous. "Jimmy's accuracy percentage is much higher than Phil's and I guess it just sorta sticks in his craw."
According to the Feb. 3, 1999, edition of The Punxsutawney Spirit, Phil "has predicted an early spring just 13 times, though he is only right about 40% of the time." On the other hand, lending credence to the anonymous badger's claim, Sun Prairie's lovable marmot meteorologist Jimmy has a proven accuracy rating of 79%.
The Herald quoted an unnamed source close to the Punxsutawney prognosticator's camp as saying, "Phil is the Rodney Dangerfield of groundhogs. He just doesn't get any respect!" Even Phil's own hometown newspaper dissed him in its Feb. 3 issue, admitting, "Truth be told, the pudgy woodchuck is just an excuse for a midnight-to-dawn bash on a little hill south of town."
If one were to believe his rodent pals, Punxsutawney's most famous native son nearly suffered a nervous breakdown after this year's Groundhog Day festivities drew an estimated record weekday crowd of 15,000 drunken college students.
"He was super stressed-out," commented Timothy Turnipseed, a fast-talking Eastern chipmunk with a penchant for pistachios. "I've known him for a coon's age and I think the pressure to perform has finally gotten to him," Turnipseed said, reaching for another pawful of pistachios.
The FBI has reason to believe that the attempt on Jimmy's life was to have taken the form of cyanide-laced carrots. An FBI spokesperson would not reveal on what evidence the Bureau is basing its suspicions.
Sun Prairie Mayor JoAnn Orfan said in a statement that "Jimmy is in fear for his life and refuses to eat any carrots that have not been tested for the deadly poison." Orfan said Jimmy was "shocked and saddened to learn that Phil's professional jealousy had caused him to sink to such depths of depravity."
"A groundhog's carrots are not to be trifled with!" an indignant Jimmy reportedly cried. Said to be hibernating in his secluded Appalachian Mountain retreat in western Pennsylvania, Phil could not be reached for comment. To date, no charges have been filed, but authorities say they have a SWAT team standing by at an undisclosed location near Phil's burrow.
Now the rules were, we each had to put "April Fool" somewhere at the end of our hoax articles. I handled it this way:
Hey, you! Yes, I'm talking to you, gentle reader. If you have made it this far through this silly article without realizing it's all a big hoax, I sincerely apologize for upsetting you, not to mention wasting your time. Please relax, Jimmy is safe in his Town of Sun Prairie burrow, no doubt dreaming of carrots laced with peanut butter. And as for Punx'y Phil - well, he better have a sense of humor. That's all I can say. Except for this, of course: April Fool!!!
(NOTE: All quotes from The Punxsutawney Spirit are real. LOL I sent away for a copy of that issue of the paper.)
FBI Investigates Phil 'hit' on Jimmy
by Merry P. Rankster
Special to The Star
The New York Herald reported today that the FBI has confirmed it is investigating well-known groundhog underworld kingpin Punxsutawney Phil, the so-called "Seer of Seers," whose feeble attempts at predicting the weather have been the source of so much amusement to Sun Prairians.
However, Sun Prairie residents may not be so amused to learn that Phil has allegedly placed a $250,000 contract on their beloved Jimmy's life. A rare Sicilian groundhog, Feckless Phil (aka "Phil the Shill") has long been suspected of having ties to organized crime, but this was the first instance in which actual evidence was obtained against the 22-year-old marmot.
His youngest brother White Plains Will (known in mob circles as "Will the Pill") was brought in for questioning Tuesday at New York's 12th Precinct. "We have the hairy brute in a holding habitat and we're confident he's going to crack," said Capt. Barney Miller. "We're pretty sure Will will finger his brother as the one who put the hit out on Jimmy."
The longstanding rivalry between Punxsutawney Phil and Jimmy apparently took an ugly turn when the latter was featured on the cover of GQ: The Groundhog Quarterly as "Woodchuck of the Year". At that time, Phil became suicidal and began experiencing recurring bouts of tunnel vision.
"Phil has always been extremely insecure," observed a large brown Pennsylvania Dutch badger who wished to remain anonymous. "Jimmy's accuracy percentage is much higher than Phil's and I guess it just sorta sticks in his craw."
According to the Feb. 3, 1999, edition of The Punxsutawney Spirit, Phil "has predicted an early spring just 13 times, though he is only right about 40% of the time." On the other hand, lending credence to the anonymous badger's claim, Sun Prairie's lovable marmot meteorologist Jimmy has a proven accuracy rating of 79%.
The Herald quoted an unnamed source close to the Punxsutawney prognosticator's camp as saying, "Phil is the Rodney Dangerfield of groundhogs. He just doesn't get any respect!" Even Phil's own hometown newspaper dissed him in its Feb. 3 issue, admitting, "Truth be told, the pudgy woodchuck is just an excuse for a midnight-to-dawn bash on a little hill south of town."
If one were to believe his rodent pals, Punxsutawney's most famous native son nearly suffered a nervous breakdown after this year's Groundhog Day festivities drew an estimated record weekday crowd of 15,000 drunken college students.
"He was super stressed-out," commented Timothy Turnipseed, a fast-talking Eastern chipmunk with a penchant for pistachios. "I've known him for a coon's age and I think the pressure to perform has finally gotten to him," Turnipseed said, reaching for another pawful of pistachios.
The FBI has reason to believe that the attempt on Jimmy's life was to have taken the form of cyanide-laced carrots. An FBI spokesperson would not reveal on what evidence the Bureau is basing its suspicions.
Sun Prairie Mayor JoAnn Orfan said in a statement that "Jimmy is in fear for his life and refuses to eat any carrots that have not been tested for the deadly poison." Orfan said Jimmy was "shocked and saddened to learn that Phil's professional jealousy had caused him to sink to such depths of depravity."
"A groundhog's carrots are not to be trifled with!" an indignant Jimmy reportedly cried. Said to be hibernating in his secluded Appalachian Mountain retreat in western Pennsylvania, Phil could not be reached for comment. To date, no charges have been filed, but authorities say they have a SWAT team standing by at an undisclosed location near Phil's burrow.
Now the rules were, we each had to put "April Fool" somewhere at the end of our hoax articles. I handled it this way:
Hey, you! Yes, I'm talking to you, gentle reader. If you have made it this far through this silly article without realizing it's all a big hoax, I sincerely apologize for upsetting you, not to mention wasting your time. Please relax, Jimmy is safe in his Town of Sun Prairie burrow, no doubt dreaming of carrots laced with peanut butter. And as for Punx'y Phil - well, he better have a sense of humor. That's all I can say. Except for this, of course: April Fool!!!
